Saturday, March 16, 2013
It's kind of weird to me that I am going to be 29 in a couple of weeks. People ask me how I feel, if I have accomplished the things I wanted before I turn 30, am I depressed that my youth is seemingly coming to end. My response is that I am actually in awe. I can't believe that I have existed on this earth for 29 years, I have always thought of myself as a child of sorts. A worried child wondering what is in store for me in the coming day, week, or month. Never have I ever thought of time in years...and here I am with 29 of them under my belt.
I have been thinking about my life ( a relatively short lived one in some people's opinions) and what comes to mind are the most mundane moments. Those moments that have been stored away for some reason in my brain, only to re-surface when prompted, and become important again. The moments when I felt "on top of the world," or at the very bottom. As if nothing could get better, or worse. All at once the emotions from that very time come rolling into my brain, and I have to stop them from taking over.
As an ode to the years I have been in existence I thought I would list a few, to remind myself that life is good, and there are more of these moments to come...
1) I just turned 8. It is my birthday party, and I have dressed in my very favorite blue sweatshirt. It has trucks, or animals on it. I can't remember exactly. I am blowing out the candles on my birthday cake, and I remember feeling that it couldn't possibly get any better than this. My family is hovering around me, my favorite homemade cake, and presents. It is a child's dream, and I am living it.
2) I am 10, it is summer and we are waiting out the last remaining days of our short time living in Oregon. I am running around in my uncle's rural backyard in my underwear. I have just started to grow breasts, and I know that this in the last time I will be able to run innocently almost naked and free.
3) I am 15 and laying in bed watching Hocus Pocus with my best friend in her room. After intervals of feeling highly insecure after my move from Catholic middle school to public high school, I finally feel accepted into my new life. We are inseperable and I am safe.
4) I am 17 and sitting in chemistry class. I am thin, I have my favorite Calvin Klein jeans on and a brand new shirt from Next. My Doc Martin sandals weigh heavy on my feet, and for the first time in my high school career I feel like myself. My friend Sara sits behind me, and we make plan for the weekend. I am satisfied and happy.
5) I am 19 and laying on a lounge in Barbados holding hands with my sister. In front of me is the most spectacular view of the world I have ever seen. The air is warm, and the waves soothe me as they crash. I can't believe I am here, that my parents accomplished this much, that we (our family) have accomplished this much. It is breathtaking, and I am stunned.
6) I am 21 and riding the train with my love to New York. I get a phone call that my best friend is dead. It is from her phone number and it is surreal. I am in shock. I go on with my plans. I wear sunglasses for the entire journey to, during, and from the day of her funeral. My heart is shattered, and one piece I know will never be re-attached. I am still alive, and I am devastated.
7) I am turning 22, and my love plans a birthday weekend for me. He takes me shopping, to a special event at the Guggenheim, and throws a party for me at a club. I am queen for the weekend, and then hungover for one of the first times ever.
8) I am 23 and at a summer music festival overlooking NYC. It is dusk and Radiohead has just come on. I am in a trance, living in the moment, and being taken away by their amazing sound. I am transfixed.
9) I am 24, I have graduated from college, and I am on the subway with the new love of my life. A gift from my Mom for graduation. He is hidden in the canvas bag on my shoulder. I can't stop gazing down at him sleeping on my lap. A little furry miracle. Mike meets me at the subway station to go and get him some supplies, and instantly falls in love. I am living in New York, I am in love doubly, first with my love, and now with this little dog named Zeppelin.
10) I am 28, on the verge of a nervous breakdown at my job, when I ace my second interview for a new job. I get called immediately after. I have a new job, and my confidence is renewed. I am valuable.
Well, there you have it. Memories so vivid that when I think about them it is almost as if I am there. Of course, there have been many more, but when my mind wanders these come to mind most often for some reason. Life is weird, now the job that felt like such an escape is a burden, but something else will come along and lighten the load, that I am sure of. It is a constant ebb and flow. I can just hope that the good continues to outweigh the bad, and that I can continue to have times that are branded on my brain. That I can look back when I am much older and see a life well lived.